Super Hero Doctor Sketch

So my brother's med school asked him to write a few sketches that they could film for some retreat they're going on and he asked me to help. This is my contribution:

[Int. doctor’s office; Day]

[A doctor in bifocals stands on one side of his office examining a patient’s chart. A knock is heard off camera. The doctor turns to see who it is.]

[Enter a man with a white button down and purple pants]

Doctor: Ah, Mr. Banner! Right on time.

Bruce: Hello doctor, you can call me Bruce by the way.

Doctor: Ok then, Bruce, why don’t you take a seat and tell me what’s been ailing you?

[Both take a seat]

Bruce: Well doc… I guess you could say I have a lot of anger.

Doctor: OK, well do you feel this anger all the time?

Bruce: No, not really. It comes and goes, but when I do get angry I change into a completely different…

Doctor: Person?

Bruce: You could say that.

Doctor: Is this a new development or has this been happening frequently?

Bruce: To be honest doc, I’ve been trying to live with the burden for quite a while but its just becoming too much. [Doctor begins writing on note pad] [depressed] My condition has ruined everything: since I can’t get worked up I can’t sleep with my wife so she’s leaving me [Doctor titters], [scowls] my contractor is screwing me on the constant repairs to my house, and don’t even get me started on my clothing bill. Do you know how much it costs to replace purple slacks 4 times a week?! DO YOU?!

[Over shoulder of doctor, you can see he is writing:

“No sex with wife+purple slacks=GAY”]

Doctor: No Bruce, I don’t. But what I do know, based on what you’ve told me, that you have a severe case of manic-depressive disorder, or bipolar disorder.

Bruce: Oh, OK… Well what would you prescribe for something like that?

Doctor: Oh, well I'm not a psychiatrist so I cant really prescribe anything based on a hunch. I can help get you an appointment with a psychiatrist, though he might be booked up for a few months. But he’ll probably get you taken care of eventually.

[Bruce starts breathing heavily]

Doctor: Just see the nurse outside and you can take care of the bill. Hope you brought your checkbook! [laughs and playfully punches bruce]

[Bruces exits the room. His breathing gets violent and he begins to grunt with anger as he leaves the room. As soon as he is out of sight you hear him yell as he transforms into the hulk followed by sounds of heavy footsteps, crashing, and people screaming]

[Doctor hits intercom button]

Doctor: nurse, can you send the next patient in?

Intercom: [screams of horror and Hulk noises]

[Another knock at the door]

Doctor: Come right on in Mr. Kent, take a seat.

[A man in a suit and bifocals comes in and sits in across from the doctor]

Well Clark, [doctor looks up from chart and stares intently at Clark] God you look exactly like someone, I just cant put my finger on who…

Clark: [uncomfortable] I guess I just have one of those faces.

Doctor: No just give me a second, Ill think of it…

[Clark begins to sweat]

Doctor: Ah the hell with it. That’s going to bug me all day. Anywho, the results from your physical are back and I have to say, ‘WOW’. You passed every test with flying colors! Youre a veritable man of steel, if you will.

Clark:[shifts nervously] th-thank you.

Doctor: Yeah I don’t know what it is but everything about you is absolutely superb. I guess you could say you’re some kind of ‘superb man’, right?[laughs and nudges Clark when he doesn’t laugh]

Clark:[forces nervous laughter] Good one. So, is that it doc, can I get out of here?

Doctor: Yep, just after I administer this eye exam.

Clark: No, no that really won’t be neccissar-

Doctor: Oh I insist, just take of your glasses and we can get this over with.

[doctor reaches for the glasses but Clark resists. Finally the doctor yanks the glasses out of Clark’s hands]

Doctor:[Looks at Clark’s now exposed face and back at the glasses and gasps] My God. It- It can’t be! You’re… You’re-

Clark: Please don’t tell anybody! It will ruin everything!

Doctor: [looks back in confusion] How will your glasses being smudged ruin everything? [cleans lens with shirt]

Clark: [embarrassed] oh, um… It just will, don’t say anything.

Doctor: Don’t worry Clark, I swore under the Hippocratic oath that- holy shit you’re super man.

[shows clark, one of his buttons unbuttoned revealing part of his super man costume. His eyes dart and he runs out of the room. Doctor runs to the door of his office]

Doctor: Hey nurse! You see that guy that just ran past?! THAT’S SUPERMAN! Yup, Clark Kent is his name! Crazy right?! Anyway you can send in the next patient!

[Doctor returns to his desk chair. A zooming noise is heard as the doctor spins his chair and is surprised to see a man in a flash tshirt sitting across from him]

Doctor: Wow! That was quick!

Wally: [talking quickly] Yes it certainly was. Wally West, at your service.

Doctor: I know Mr. West; your wife has been a patient of mine for a while.

Wally: [talking quickly] Oh yes, of course, my apologies

Doctor: No need for apologies. [looks down at chart] So Mr. West, it says here that you have been having some sexual problems?

Wally: [talking quickly] It’s not my problem, it’s her problem. I have no troubles with how quick I am but of course, here I am, at the doctor’s office, talking to you, about my personal life.

Doctor: It sounds to me like the problem is you’re suffering from premature ejaculation. Is this accurate?

Wally: [talking quickly] Listen, doc, there’s a fine line between premature ejaculation and being incredibly quick. I mean I can’t help it if I can move like a humming bird and she cant keep up. Its like I was telling her the other day, ‘Listen hotcakes, if you want to hang with Wally West you’ve gotta be prepared to live life in the fast lane.

[Over shoulder doctor writing on pad: ‘COCAINE’ underlined multiple times]

Wally: [talking quickly] Fast walks on the beach, fast candle lit dinners, so of course that’s gonna mean fast lovin too. Its just the way I roll, it doesn’t make me any less of a man.

Doctor: Of course it doesn’t. Here’s what I'm going to do for you Mr. West: first, here is the number of the finest sexual therapist in town. He can help you out.

Wally: Sounds great!

Doctor: Secondly, here is the number to a clinic that can help you get your little [sniffs] habit cleaned up.

Wally: Well I sure don’t know what you mean by that, but thanks a bundle doc!

[Wally gets up and begins to exit]

Doctor: Oh and Wally, [Wally turns around] in the meantime, while your making love to your wife, try and think about something else to take your mind off of it. Some people think about baseball but I recommend you think of something slow. Like a turtle, for instance. Or your fat wife’s metabolism.

Wally: Wait, what?

Doctor: [to intercom] Send in the next patient, nurse.

[A man in a nice suit walks into the office]

Doctor: If it isn’t millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne, how’re you doing today?

Bruce:[takes a seat] [In gritty batman voice] Fine.

Doctor: Well Bruce, based on these charts of yours, you don’t look too fine.

Bruce: I’m Fine.

Doctor: You have multiple deep tissue bruises, 2 cracked ribs… How could you say you’re fine?

Bruce: Trust me.

Doctor: [suspicious] hmmm, so you still living with that old man who raised you, what was his name?

Bruce: Alfred. And yes.

Doctor: Yes, Alfred, of course. Bruce I know this is going to be hard to answer, but you have to trust I know what is best for you: [takes a deep breath] Does Alfred…. hit you?

Bruce: What? No of course not. I got these injuries…. Spelunking.

Doctor: The old spelunking injury story. Well you don’t have to tell me the truth, that’s your right, but ive been around the block enough to know when I'm being lied to. I just hope for your sake I'm wrong.

Bruce: I’ve got a busy schedule, could we wrap this up?

Doctor: God that voice sounds terrible. Are you smoking fiberglass insulation? Here take some of this chloroseptic throat spray, it should clear that right up.

Bruce: [sprays in mouth. Clears throat. Now talks inexplicably high] Wow, thanks doc, that’s a million times better!

Doctor: Not a problem bruce. [doctor spins and his chair and grabs a chart] Oh and before I forget, [as he spins back around revealing no one to be there] you have leukemia… Where’d he go?

[Credits]

Things to do instead of fireworks this 4th of July

I don’t know about you, but when July 4^th rolls around I get the primal urge to take to the streets and show my patriotism by blowing shit up. What better way to remember how our forefathers fought for our freedom than by strapping M-80s to GI Joes? I defy anyone to deny that fireworks are truly the epitome of demonstrating patriotism, right up there with making sweet love to an apple pie.

The most patriotic movie since The Patriot

But since an incident from the local charity bake off last fourth of July, I (along with the state of Texas’ justice system) believe that the best public way of showing your patriotism is detonating colorful Chinese explosives in the middle of the street for all your neighbors to gawk at. Or at least that’s what I thought the state of Texas believed, up until a few days ago.

I was sitting in my kitchen, baking a luke-warm pie and watching my local news. They had just finished a story about whether our kids were doing drugs in churches or something when Maria Cortez of the local Channel 4 News Squad introduced the next story.

“A state-wide burn ban has been set into effect this Fourth of July due to lack of rainfall.”

I dropped the can of whipped cream I was generously applying to myself.

“You know what that means: No fireworks this year folks. That’s right, the state has only approved the use of sparklers and snakes for this year’s Fourth of July celebration.”

“SPARKLERS AND SNAKES?!” I yelled at Maria, pulling my pants on.

“But, don’t worry folks…” she replied, trying to comfort me, “There will still be city-approved fireworks displays for you to enjoy.”

What am I, 9 or 70 years old?! I know what fireworks look like! Now I'm only interested in what they look like jammed into the rectums of easily catchable animals! I sat and thought for a long while about the predicament that Maria Cortez had put me in. “How will I show everybody how much I love America? How will people know that this is the best country on earth without Roman candles and Mexican screamers?" I was utterly defeated and I softly wept into my now cold pie.

After a few minutes of deep sobbing, I looked down at the soiled, tear soaked pastry and for some reason thought of the story of Ol' Honest Abe and the American Revolution. “He didn’t cry when the British cut down his cherry tree and insulted his fat wife,” I thought to myself, sitting up, “He just sharpened his wooden teeth and took a big, full bite out of oppression.” So I pulled myself up from my bootstraps, sat back down, and with my mighty keyboard and trusty mouse, I rambled out a short list of activities I plan to partake in that will truly demonstrate my patriotism, in lieu of fireworks, this Fourth of July.

1. Microwave Madness

How many stray cats does it take to make a microwave explode? That’s for you to find out, my fellow patriots! Everyone has a shitty, spagettio stained microwave sitting somewhere in their garage and, if not, microwaves are like $10 for 2 at Costco. Extension-cord that bad boy out into the middle of the street and start shoving shit in it. Use your imagination! Silverware and shotgun shells are a solid combo to kick things off with a bang. Aerosol cans are also a nice go-to explosion.

WARNING: Microwaves have been linked to some forms of cancer. Be extra careful when piling explosives into your microwave so you can have a safe, cancer free 4^th of July.

2. (Noun) Flambé

Lighting things on fire has been an American pastime since witches roamed Massachusetts in the 1800's. In commemoration of our wiccan fearing ancestors, I’m taking it upon myself to light shit on fire just to watch it burn. I mean, what are fireworks really but small controlled fires in the sky? I’m just taking that same idea, except large, possibly (probably) out of control fires on the ground and in surrounding shrubbery. Plus, you can get all of the materials needed for just the price and contents of a tank of gasoline! 

     So once you get your inferno good and raging, a fun thing to try is grabbing all of the household chemicals you keep under your sink and tossing them right into the center. They sometimes explode into pretty colors, like noxious fireworks. [I am not responsible for any violations of the Geneva Protocol] Another fun thing to do is, say if you have a neighbor or acquaintance you don’t particularly care for, make a silly rag doll with their face or name on it and dangle it right over the fire. This is usually well received and you can both have a good laugh and possibly tear down some walls. 

“HOW DO THE FLAMES TASTE EVENING ANCHORWOMAN MARIA CORTEZ?! WHERE’S YOUR PRECIOUS BURN BAN NOW?! AAAHAHAHA”

3. Homemade Arsenal

Almost nothing is more American than making your own weapons. It’s what the second amendment was made for. You can make all kinds harbingers of destruction with just the things you have lying around your local chemical plant. For instance, with just a wheelbarrow and some bolt cutters I obtained all the ingredients required to make napalm (plus some extra ingredients I’ll throw into the mix). Just put some of that flame-cocktail into a tennis ball with some any-surface matches and you have yourself a homemade hand-grenade! But homemade weapons don’t all have to be fire-based. In fact, the second most dangerous weapon in the world is the written word. The first most dangerous is the written word attached to a heavy object and flung out of your drivers side window.

4. Fitting Revenge

Now that you have your explosives handling, fire starting and weapons making skills mastered (or not), it is time for the final and most patriotic phase of the plan: Standing up for what you believe in through an ironic and fitting revenge. This country was founded on revenge. Revenge on the British for being dicks, revenge on the Indians for being savages, and revenge on foreigners for everything else. Now this applies to a lot of situations I guess but the one thing to keep in mind when exacting this revenge (be it on your landlord, little sister, local news woman, or whomever) is that the punishment must fit the crime.